I don't know what it was...the sun was finally shining, the skies were clear, there were actually freaking birds chirping...what sent me over the edge? Let's start from the beginning...
I couldn't sleep (shocker). I don't know how long I was awake, but I was thinking about stupid things like how to set up the babies' room, how will all of the furniture fit, where can we put the bassinet, how long will I be able to work,will I be a good Mom...you know, the usual. Around 4:40, I started to hear Brie (our dog) wretch and puke all over Bill's side of the bed. I have no idea where that came from, but I was out of bed like a shot trying to usher her out of the room - she didn't want to go. Bill cleaned it up (thanks weak stomach) while I took her out and gave her a decreased feeding (don't want it all coming up again)! Then we went back to sleep...Bill was upset b/c I had been up, but I have no control over that...he just feels bad for me.
I don't know what time we woke up - I've been covering up my clock b/c the light keeps me awake at night. I laid in bed and watched TV for a while eating Saltines to allow Bill to have some time to himself. He came up and made me breakfast - awesome. I had a headache from not sleeping and just couldn't get myself out of bed...I don't know why. Bill and I ended up having a little tiff and my emotions (we could call them hormotions) just got totally out of control. I was sobbing and snotting all over the place...I have so many doubts.
Why don't I love this pregnancy thing? Am I even supposed to? Will I be a good Mom? I mean come on...I hardly ever want to take Brie for a walk and I'm supposed to feed two babies every two hours for months??? How am I going to be able to do that? Am I/will I lose who I am? Have I already? I feel that the whole infertility thing has made me into a different person...I don't trust, I don't believe, I hardly have any faith anymore even though I have become a "success story." Am I a bad friend? I hardly call anyone anymore. I don't make visits...I'm just barely making it through the day in most cases...I'm so tired and so doubtful that I don't want to get excited about all that is about to overtake my life. Every time I talk to someone...friends, family, co-workers, they are always so excited and I am nothing but apprehensive. This is a HUGE undertaking that I am about to take on. I know I asked for it and I knew what I was getting myself into, but that can't erase my fears.
I'm not asking for pity...I know other women have been in my position. There just seems to be so much pressure these days to be the best, have happy kids, love the entire experiences, have no regrets, and scrapbook the whole freaking thing! I don't know if I'm that type of person. I know this is going to be difficult...I know this will be the hardest thing I will ever do. Does everyone else just live in an alternate reality? Do they not talk about it? Do all of these other women really love every single aspect of it? I can't believe that...it just doesn't seem possible. Am I being totally ungrateful? We worked for 2 years to become pregnant, took endless medications/injections/negative pregnancy tests...who the hell am I to not love it at this point? Does it put me on the dark side of womanhood to question all of these things? Will I always be looked down upon for my sarcastic take of all of the crap that goes along with being a Mom? I try to look at these pregnancy websites and I just want to strangle these women? Where is their reality? People get so surprised that I am not over the moon...do they have any idea what is about to happen to my life? Yes, I know that millions of women before me have done this and that a pity party is probably the last thing that I need, but maybe I'm one of the few that is realistic enough to admit that I'm selfish about my time, my space, my body, my mind...is that so wrong? Is it wrong to be afraid?
That's what it is...it's fear. I fear that I won't be good enough. I always do this...every time I take on something new in life, work, anything, I fear that I won't be able to do it. The only thing is that I haven't felt fear like this before. These two beings will be relying on me for everything...there won't be a need that they will be able to take care of by themselves for a very long time. Am I up for it? I really hope so...I don't have a choice, do I?
One final venting point...I think that vaginal births are mean and cruel punishment. I keep seeing them on the Baby Story and other shows and I just don't know where the attraction lies. I will never understand the quest to have a natural delivery...and God forbid...no drugs??? Ridiculous in my opinion. Why wouldn't you want to have a quick and easy surgery? Yes, you get a scar and some drugs may get to the babies, but you're not going to be all ripped up and bloody...I will never get it. Maybe I need to be more of a hippie to understand that phenomenon. Bill told me to stop reading the books because they're stressing me out...I think he has a point.
I don't need "pick me up" comments to this post...I need to know that I'm not alone in this and that other people have felt how I am feeling...I hate this...I'm usually a much more optimistic person than this...I truly do not know where that person has gone. Maybe she'll be back tomorrow...until now, she's just wishing that this headache would break (and for a glass of wine for the Oscar's? Not gonna happen)!
Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!
People I Love...follow along if you're so inclined!
10 comments:
I could have written almost the exact same post. Just last night, DH and I got in a fight because he doesn't understand why I'm not happier/more excited. And it's not that I'm not happy or excited, it's that I'm also freaked about beyond belief...about everything going on in my body and the fact that I am going to be responsible for another life...crazy!
So no pep talk from me, just a hug
I've haven't been preggo yet. But, my very best friend gave birth to her first baby on Christmas Eve. During her pregnancy I fielded a million and one phone calls along the lines of "what if I don't love the baby", "what if I do it all wrong" "what if my boobs don't go back" etc. Totally normal.
Fear and doubt are completely normal regardless of whether you got pregnant the first time or suffered through countless procedures, negatives, losses, etc. Human nature. We don't naturally welcome change. It is hard and the more drastic the change, the harder it is to wrap your mind around. I would think something was wrong with you if you weren't having these thoughts.
Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom expect to say that I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I can honestly say that I am sure I would feel the same way.
Hormones make you crazy. It's why they say the maternity ward should be next to the psych ward. You're absolutely normal.
Life is full of ups and downs; it's why it's called life and not heaven.
i can't relate at this point in my journey, but my best friend started panicking about whether or not she was going to raise good human beings and that really shook me up thinking about this awesome responsibility we are taking on...how it never ends. i think the fear is completely normal, but it's also helpful because it pushes us to succeed. you just can't let it paralyze you.
I applaud you for being so honest. I have been calling into question my blindly absurd view that babies and motherhood is just a bed of roses. I think I told myself all this so I could get through the horrible treatments and not look to far ahead. But now that I'm reassessing everything, I realized I was setting myself up for major disappointment.
Life is not perfect and nor is it easy. So don't feel like less of a woman because you are willing to admit your true feelings and not be a total fake like so many other women.
Hi I'm Jenn
I found your blog a couple of weeks ago. I hope you don't mind my comment. I have 17 mth old boy/girl twins through IUI. I had those same thoughts. Hyperventilate, thats what I did through most of my pregnancy. How was I going to do this. Some days I was ecstatic others worried. I hope you have more excited days then worried ones.
rebecca, thanks for following my blog. I wasn't sure on etiquette of where to respond... my post or yours but either way I wanted to say I have appreciated your support since I started posting!
Maybe it was some sort of moon bringing us down this weekend. I definitely had a similiar Sunday. Hope it's gotten better!
Not being Miss Merry Sunshine or loving every second of pregnancy has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation for the fact that you're pregnant. (does that make sense?) I think people who *don't* question the things you are really are living in an alternate reality where everyone is snorting the 'baby dust' they want to dump on everyone. Either that or they are questioning the same things but pretend that they aren't.
I've already had some of the same thoughts you have - I don't even own a dog because they are a lot of responsibility (do have 2 cats) yet I'm going to be able to take care of an itty bitty human being?! And you have two little ones on the way - who wouldn't be nervous?!
I also think that IF can make one look at things more 'clinically' because, face it, the conception itself was clinical.
Lastly, as far as vaginal births... I want to have on if possible, because I would like to do *something* regarding pregnancy the 'old fashioned way', though I will have no problem using drugs! :) But that's just me, and I really don't have any rational explanation for it.
ps: Sarcastic, realistic moms are cool.
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