I can't believe what you did to me today.
You completely dislocated during a yoga pose.
Let's recap...
- lunge position
- left leg in front
- right leg straight back on toes
- left shoulder underneath left knee
- hands on either side of left foot
- crown of head reaching toward the mat
- instructor tells us to put right foot straight down on the mat at an angle
- you fucking decide that's a great time to come right out of your socket!!!! WTF!!!???!!!
- cue hysterical screaming of "put it back in!!!" That's what she said.
He said, "look here, this is a little hole that will house your patella. I'll put these ligaments and tendons on the side for a little support, but all in all, this is the perfect knee."
Yes, God said I could speak for him/her/it...whatever.
Here's something else, Knee. I know we've had our history. I know you have popped out of your socket several times in the past 18 years (God, I'm old, huh?), but you've always gone back in. Why couldn't you go back in today? Why????
No, guess you were bitter b/c we haven't been getting enough sleep lately. You had to stay out of your nice safe little space and explore the world, huh? You know what, Knee? You're an asshole!
Okay, sorry for that little outburst.
Knee, I'm sure that you are happy that you got all of this attention. Not only did you stop yoga class, ruining everyone's centering, but you also made them clear the room, call 911, and get a physical therapist in to help me (BTW...he did nothing, but who could blame him...I was a hot sweaty screaming mess...I would have avoided me too). I hope you're happy with yourself, Knee.
Then the managers of the health club came up to meet you. Granted, none of them could actually look you in the eye b/c you were in a freakish position on my body. They tried to look away, but I know some of them were sneaking glances. I actually heard one of them ask me if I wanted anything to drink...when I responded with "vodka," no one took me seriously...WTF???
Then you got to meet the EMTs. I guess you were super impressed with their fancy little uniforms, their calm demeanors, and their shiny stretcher...after all, you were NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!!
Was that enough to make you crawl back into your home? NO!!!
Even though I was begging...put it back in (That's what she said), put it back in (That's what she said), put it back in (That's what she said)...no one was listening (okay they were, but no one wanted to touch me and my freaky little knee).
Well, no one except that lovely EMT...he listened to me (and saw my devil face) when I told him that he wasn't moving me until he put it back in place. Later on, in the ambulance, he told me that he was afraid that I would rip his face off. Do you see what kind of person you've made me, Knee???? Do I look like the kind of person who would rip someone's face off???
Let's face it...the lovely EMT tried to move me again without putting you in your home...big mistake. Cue more hysterical screaming, sweating, and pathetic looks from staff wondering if I was planning on staying overnight. Screaming stops...there is a calm silence...I look at the lovely EMT right in his beautiful blue eyes (ignoring those little gray dogs he calls eyebrows) and say, "it's back in...it's back in!"
I was psyched.
Knee, you really screwed me over today...people were fucking waving at me as I get wheeled out of the health club on the shiny stretcher you were so excited to see. I wanted to flip them the bird, but I smiled and waved like a fucking prom queen instead. I have a sense of decorum...unlike you, Knee.
Enter the ambulance and get ready for a bumpy ride...we're on our way to the hospital that I've always been curious about, but never really wanted to experience. Thanks a lot, Knee...I'm sure that we'll get a better night's sleep now that I'm in pain and an immobilizer. Nice going. You rule.
Love, Rebecca
(your owner and you'd better not forget it again, Knee)
More tomorrow on the hospital visit and what the hell happened to the Crazies while all of this was going on!
9 comments:
OMG, this sounds like a nightmare. How long do you have to keep it immobile? Is there anything they can do for it, or does it just has to heal on its own now that it's back in? (that's what she said)
Can I just say...fuck you, Rebecca's knee!!
yikes!!! When I was in college, I played Intramural Basketball. While driving up the lane for a basket, my foot planted and stayed put...while the rest of me kept going.
My first thought was "OMG! I broke my knee!!!"
My second thought was "Can you break your knee? Hmmm???"
I didn't think you could but I DID know I surely couldn't stand up - whenever I tried to put weight on it, my upper leg just tried to drive into the floor.
ThHe verdict? Not a broken knee...but instead an ACL ripped to shreds. So painful! 2 surgeries were needed to fix that bad boy.
It was perfect - it happened at the end of January. In Michigan. 2 days later we got a major ice storm. I got to try to get around campus. on crutches. on ice.
The worst part? I had horrible roommates that year and they had the nerve to say I was 'faking it.' WTF? who would fake that shit?!
Hope you're knee knows you mean business and doesn't pop out again! Hope its not too painful either. And that the kids are good for you! (good luck with that one!)
OMG! I'm sorry all this shit went down and nobody was there to dump vodka down your throat.
Maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but weren't you told to go to yoga instead of spin?...
And the whole time I was reading this, I was wondering where the kids were! We need more details!
Oh.My..........I tuned in, thinking, wow, first a letter to her brain, and now one to her knee. I'll leave a funny little comment about what body part she might address next.
My stomach is quivering, just thinking about this...hope you're feeling much better - even if it's vodka-induced - and that the Crazies survived the ordeal, too.
Oh, and I hope you're getting lots of TLC from DH!!!
Bwahahaha!!! I just read Riley Easter's comment...she's right! This is all DH's fault! He owes you at least double TLC for the pain he's caused you!!! :)
Oh no ... are your freaking kidding me!!!
I can't wait to hear what happened to the littles ... that's all I could think about while reading this post ..... that and why noone gave you Vodka!!!
Oh my word.....OUCH!!!!
Yoga is dangerous stuff. I tried it once and the instructor made me stand on my head - after that I said never again.
I hope the pain goes away like now!!! And how long does it need to be immobilized????? You poor thing!
Even when you are in pain, you are freakin hilarious. I'm sorry for the yoga knee incident, and i hope it heals soon. Am I sensing an operation on the horizon? Take care girlfriend!
OH, honey, your friends are quite entertaining! As are you! Perhaps if you had screamed for an energy drink at the gym, you wouldhave achieved more success than screaming for vodka! No vodka and Vicodin, OK?
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