12 months old:
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Yup...I heard that a lot. The Crazies couldn't talk and Hailey was a biter. She would go after Matt with a vengeance and she didn't mess around. That poor kid had marks all over his back. I can only say that I kind of understood where she was coming from. He was vicious in taking toys away from her and it's all she had...her razor sharp baby teeth.
The time-outs were 60 seconds, on my lap, faced away from the "action." After 60 seconds, we'd turn the Crazy around, tell them why they had been punished, kisses, hugs, and back to playing.
They'd get an immediate time-out for a physical attack. If it was minor behaviors (i.e. not listening, continuing a behavior after being told to stop), they'd get a warning and then a time-out if behavior continued.
18 months old:
MOMMY!!!! Matt...blah...blah...blah...Hailey...blah...blah...blah.
I couldn't really understand what they were saying about the incident. They mumbled their way through most of their sentence/accusations at this point in their lives. I wouldn't put a child into time-out unless there was visual evidence (i.e. I witnessed the action) or physical evidence (i.e. hand mark on a cheek or bite marks).
The time-outs graduated to 90 seconds and we started sitting them in a designated spot while they "served their time." Would they try to escape? A few times, but in general, they stayed put. My in-laws were in awe of this. They couldn't believe that they'd just stay there...truth be told, neither could I.
2 years old:
Mom...Hailey hit me.
Mom...Matt push me.
Mom...
Mom...
Mom...
Welcome to the age of tattling...ain't it grand???
NOPE!
Time-outs graduated to 2 minutes and they started becoming a little more challenging. The Crazies would refuse to go to time-out. They would escape and run away. They were really testing my patience and it drove me nuts.
I persevered though...I stuck with it. I would calmly put them back in time-out (however many times it took), restart the timer, and ignore them as much as possible until those 2 minutes were done. There were time-outs in stores, in the middle of meals, in parking lots, and everywhere else you could think of. I had to continue to let them know who was the boss in our relationships.
2 and a half:
When am I NOT hearing someone's wrongdoing? They're constantly giving me little "updates" on the other's behavior...whether I care or not. I still pretty much stick to not giving a time-out unless there's evidence (oh, sue me...maybe I watch too much SVU...or maybe I think my children are apt to exaggeration...gasp...the horror).
Between 2 and 2.5, I read 1-2-3 Magic. It changed things and gave me a little more structure to my time-out routine. We still pretty much stick to the warning, time-out, explanation, apologies, hugs/kisses, but it's much more calm now.
There's a lot more drama with the time-outs lately. A lot of foot stomping, crying, screaming, pouty lips, sad faces, tears, and histrionics. It's quite humorous, actually.
We've had a tad bit of wanting to stay in time-out too. I'll ask Matt to come talk to me when the timer goes off and he'll refuse. I'll tell him that if he won't come and talk, then I'd reset the timer and he can do another time-out. He refuses. I reset the timer. He sits for another 2.5 minutes. The timer will go off AGAIN. I'll tell him to come "have a chat." He'll refuse AGAIN. I'll set the timer AGAIN! The longest he's gone is 3 time-outs in a row.
The thing is, they "get it" more now. Since I've been consistent with the consequence, they know what's expected of them. They know what to expect and aren't surprised when it happens.
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People often say "time-outs just don't work" and I disagree. I think that people try to use time-outs to stop a behavior, but some behaviors aren't going to stop.
My kids aren't going to stop physically assaulting each other if one takes a toy...that's an innate behavior in my opinion. Yes, they need to be taught right from wrong, but that will come through conversation at an appropriate time...not when they're yanking each others' hair out!
My kids are going to understand that their behaviors have consequences and that I am going to follow through every single time. I think that's where some people fall apart. It's freaking exhausting to keep up with this stuff, but kids have to know there are consequences for their actions...they have to know and if their parents let up just a few times, they're going to turn that inch into a mile really quickly...does last sentence make sense?
Anyway, that's my two cents...I should call this Two Cent Tuesday...wouldn't that be so cute? Nah? Okay...I won't.
17 comments:
Great post. I think a lot (in so many aspects of life) about precedence. It is so hard (in so many ways) to be consistent, but I think that's the key to success in a lot of areas.
By the way, my friend has a four-year old son. A couple of months ago, he sat in time-out for 45 minutes, the timer being reset every three or four minutes, because he refused to answer his parents' question, "Are you ready to go back to the den?" He just looked at them blankly. Forty-five minutes!!! That's some stamina, if you ask me!
What great timing for this post..I just told my husband yestrday that I really needed some advice on how to do timeouts with my 17 month olds! Thanks for your insights!!
I'm all for timeouts too, and I totally agree they work. But I think they only work if you follow through and stay consistent.
We try and follow how Super "Nanny Jo" similar to what you do. Love her BTW! The only thing we don't do is the kissing, hugs and I'm sorry...we were, but I guess I don't feel like I should get sweet on them after they have pissed me off. I talked to Abby's therapist (her developmental) and she told me she never does it either. Quite frankly, I'm not ready to make up with them after 3 minutes. Go there, sit there for 3 minutes, and stop acting like a turd. When they get up though, they usually both come and give hugs and say sorry, so I guess that worked in our favor when we were doing hugs and kisses.
Geesh, sorry for the novel!
Time outs work for my 2 too! Great post...I so agree with you have to stick with it because they know how and when to test the waters!
After we weren't able to keep the twins in one spot in the living room, we started sending them to their room (crib) for time outs around age 2/2.5. now they know a time out means sitting on their bed until they settle down. (The other day Jacob had meltdown after meltdown and got sent to his room - DH checked on him 2 minutes later and he was sound asleep!)
Adam got his first "in your room" time out the other day for hitting and refusing to say he was sorry. Dude didn't like it but guess what...he said he was sorry next time!
April is Autism Awareness Month. I'm blogging all month long about Autism!
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Time outs in our household are so frustrating, but they are so necessary. My twin girls are 2.75 years old and I also have a 6.75 y/o girl. My oldest didn't care if she got a time out. She still doesn't. To her, the offending action was worth a few minutes aside. She is a sassy one :)
One of my twins, S, is the exact same way. She'll pull out her sister's hair or swat her and go put herself in time out. Doesn't phase her at all. My other little one, D, can't handle time outs. The tears, the heart-breaking tears that come the moment we sit her in time out. She can't handle knowing she did something wrong. Breaks my heart, but not enough to let timeouts slack. D is a biter. Still, at almost 3.
There is usually evidence that someone committed a serious transgression. Bite marks and wads of hair make it easy to figure out what happened. I don't do time outs if we don't see it and have no proof because I don't want to encourage tattling. Or tall tales. We use time outs to calm down a lot and to remove them from the problem. Then we talk, apologize if appropriate and move on.
I'm glad you shared this! We have been in the midst of some brand-new-two-year-old DRAMA with A this week, and it makes me fearful of what might be in store over the next couple of years. I think I might check out that book you have been mentioning.
A has very rarely needed a timeout before, but she had TWO before 10 am yesterday. Oy vey....
AMEN!
I'm a stickler for time out. If Ethan gets sassy with me he gets a warning and if he tells me to shush or no or be quiet his hiney is in time out. I'm the boss and someday he's going to respect that. Daddy is a pushover but he's starting to see the difference in behavior. It really does take perseverance!
This is a comment on your poll, rathern than on your post :)
If you would have included "office" as an option, I would have DEFINITELY selected that. Since it wasn't included, I chose Master Bedroom. I seem to make time for every other room, and that room is always last on the list (since no one sees it).
you moms with older kids SCARE me - you mean the crazy screaming gets WORSE?!!!
Sounds like what we do, except I don't use the timer. I just watch whatever clock I have around. K is the one that will refuse to come talk to me and she, too, was the biter.
My girls had a similar evolution and time outs are certainly more challenging now then they were at one...or one and half or even two! I read 1-2-3 Magic (from the library; it was a disgusting ancient edition) and it seemed like they recommended time outs in the kid's bedroom? Do you do that? I'm too lazy to walk them up a full flight of stairs -- LOL!
When my sons would be slugging it out in the backseat of the car, I'd tell them to sit on their hands. I was shocked that they listened to me.
My sister was all over that 1-2-3 Magic book too (must borrow it). I am a fan of the time-out, although I have never used it with a child younger than two.
You are absolutely right that it is completely exhausting! These children of mine have some serious stamina and stubborness and I have to be hardcore to follow through sometimes.
Parenting is rarely easy though huh? I love this post.
I love time outs. They work like a flippin' charm in our house!
AWESOME post! Oh my!!!! I couldn't of read this at a better time .. while I'm trying to understand WHY my 2 1/2 year old PUTS herself in time out. WHY?!
But you nipped it on the bud-- some behaviors aren't going to stop. And it's all about follow-through.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!
You're amazing with your timeouts! And your theories are soooo right. I'm still trying to explain all this to Tim. Consistency is such a huge key in teaching your kids proper behavior.
We recently had an incident with Trip (not Trip! NEVER Trip!) at a restaurant. Tim's response was that I should just give him what he wants to shut him up. I wanted to immediately remove him from the restaurant, take him to the care & put him in his carseat until Tim & Jack were done eating (I eat in 5.3 seconds). He finally decided he'd take Trip out. When I got to the care Trip was running around the van having a grand time. Tim's reasoning for letting him play, "He quit crying when we left the restaurant." Yup. He got EXACTLY what he wanted and he was happy. Ugh. And THIS is why it's such a bear to take Trip anywhere.
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